siam_mais

i can't begin to dissect this. it's like something swelling in the air or in your belly. i don't have any hard feelings towards anyone because there's no logic in that. i remember the fun we had and nothing else. this could be a characteristic flaw, but i'm pretty sure it isn't. falling out with friends is fine. so is staying close. either way i hope everyone is happy.

canada has been such a fantastic time.
i feel really great about 2010.
i miss you and you and you. mainly casey, but yeah, everyone.

it's a bearable 34 degrees and i feel fantastically optimistic about it all.
yesterday i dedicated a bunch of air miles to thinking about the past couple of months. kind of disgusted by the fact that whilst in the desert i was 90% focused on the negatives of being home. i could have had more fun, is what i'm saying. but oh well, i'm here now and i'm happy. i've learned that, for the most part, positive things happen when you're a positive thinker. i've also realized that i'd rather be nervous, uncomfortable, a little scared and awkward trying to figure out a new city than in the desert where everything is relaxed, slow and easy. i'm too young for that lifestyle.

i'm very happy! happy for myself. happy for you, you and you.
i finally got my passport along with a one-way ticket to Calgary!

while i'm in canada i'll be figuring out my plan of attack for when i come back to the states. LA; it's dirty and loud and frustrating and i loved it. it took time, but i was happy there. i'm shooting for sf. it's just so damn expensive and i want to be able to pay my own rent. i'm getting older and i feel obliged to do certain things, like, giving my mom a financial break. my mom would also really like if i moved closer to her. anyway, i'm happy with all of my options.

side note: you are such a tough friend to keep. i don't understand what happened and i don't really care. you've always, always clung to grudges because you need something to hate. good luck on your journeys, but i promise you won't make it further or enjoy it more than i will.

alright, alright. the desert is lifeless more often than not, but everything is temporary and there's nothing to worry about. i felt so pessimistic and sick of so many things a bit ago but all's well. just hangin' around, letting my hair grow long, loungin' with you and missing my mom until my passport comes. i really, really miss living in LA and hope to be a resident again after snoopin' around SF for awhile.

im so upset. why cant i be gone already? im sorry to everyone for being so lame.

everything is very fun. there are a few things i could complain about but why waste my time?

i can't wait to hit the road with renee. we are going to have a summertime blast up north. ayo!

i love LA. seriously!

somethings are happening and somethings arent. occasionally you get a bit jilted with everything around you to the point where nothings in focus. or everything is in focus and youre uncomfortable because of it. and the only thing you want is to be somewhere that isn't where you're at, but then you figure where you're at is where you want be- most of the time.

i've been able to steal internet lately which is nice/awful. everything's sort of different. i miss a few friends but not to the point where i'm miserable over it. going to school and working 28 hours a week makes me tired and a little boring, but i'm trying to fight away my sleepy eyes. it's summer and i wanna go everywhere and drink so much apricot ale. luisa asked me to model her clothes for her which i took as a huge compliment. always happy to hang with a cool chick in wacky clothes. THE LIBRARY DOWNTOWN IS BEAUTIFUL. so is Griffith Park and movies in the planetarium. i can't wait for warm weather and having all the windows open and smoking cigarettes in my apartment until my lease is up in august. ayo!

i really need school to be over with. i really need time to just sit around and figure shit out!

i don't mean to be mean, but i wish you'd go home.

my pride is killin it. ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i'm so lame sometimes!

everything is going pretty damn well. i'm really hanging out in Lgay. my phone rings more and i'm alone less. i've been thinking about canada and whether or not i'll flake on moving because of the good feeeeeelings i have right now. i'm positive that if i leave i'll wish i had stayed and vice versa. so whatever.

memories from coachella are still lingering in my brains and making me grin throughout the day. FUN OVERLOAD!

yesterday was the best day i've had in los angeles thus far. now i'm desert bound.

fantastic company and nothing but fun for the past three days. carpoolin'and parking lot parties. dancin' away to mstrkrft with tj, marshall, ryan and austin was so overwhelming in the best possible sense! longing to be in the sahara tent all night, ha. devendra was absolutley perfect. first light show! paul mccartney and the cure dragged on for far too long. good nontheless. my bloody valentine was insane! morrissey could smell burning flesh?

now it's time for both my mind and body to reeeelax. i hope everyone had as much fun as i did.

coachella! the thought of this coming weekend is giving me the chills! so much fun. i'm gonna dance dance dance to steve aoki tomorrow at 330 to get into a super cool party mood.

i keep reminding myself not to be so anxious. i'm hopeful in assuming that everything will work itself out.

last night i got drunk with hollywood dudes. i was talking talking talking about things on my mind but they didn't comprehend because the words spilling out of my mouth didn't involve the klaxons, or v necks, or leather jackets or andy warhol or vodka or 'jim morrison totally gets me'. jeeeeeeeeeeeesus. i decided to leave when the conversation took a turn towards strictly eating organic or something

it's spring and i'm a little down and out and i want last summer and the same friends or new friends that are similar. i think. most of the time i miss you all

and after weeks of practice i learned how to play this cool song.

everything is getting to me. i can't even stand to be looked at, which is inconvenient because a damn korean guy is staring at me right now. i bet he's trying to figure out my ethnic background. i want to look over at him and yell, "YEAH, MAN. I'M ASIAN! FUCK OFF!" i can hear everyone jibber jabbering through my headphones and it's making me want to rip my hair out.

finding something wrong with absolutely everything. like, i have an A in chemistry, but it's a low one and by the time june rolls around it'll be a B and who cares about a B? the only thing i'm remotely optimistic about is calgary. it seems like a great idea. then again it probably won't be any different from anywhere else.

i've taken up piano again and as a result have been listening to lots and lots of debussy, chopin, and yiruma. it helps

i feel like i have to drastically change everything about myself to reap any type of benefit. or maybe i'm just completely unmotivated in every aspect of everything. i'm very self-concious; too shy or whatever to call my would-be friends and too much of an asshole to answer hollywood dudes phone calls.

-i've been taking everything really personal lately
-i'm moving to calgary in august
-things i won't allow myself to tell particular people are eating away at my brain